The Body in Confection
by Charles RocketBoy
Summary: Rainbow Dash is missing in action, right after Pinkie Pie debuts a new line of pastries. Coincidence? Armed with a half-read copy of Sweeneigh Todd, the Cutie Mark Crusaders are out to uncover the grim truth! Or, more likely, embarrass themselves.


**The Body In Confection**

It was a beautiful summer's day in Ponyville, and Twilight Sparkle was taking advantage of it: this time, she was going to stay indoors reading but with the doors and windows _open_.

She was getting stuck in to "I Cloppityus" when there was a knock on the, well, wall: standing in the bright, sunny, cloudless day were the Cutie Mark Crusaders, making up for the weather with grim, clouded expressions. Twilight trotted over, worried.

"Hey, my little ponies. What's wrong?" she asked gently.

"We…" Scootaloo took a deep breath and started to speak in a mournful tone. "We got down the list of things we need to try for our cutie marks and… and we got down to seeing if we can get reading-old-books cutie marks." The other two Crusaders were glaring at her. "I keep telling you guys, I put it down as a _joke_, I didn't think we'd actually get to it! I'm sorry!"

Twilight's facial expressions had slowly dissolved into a blank void as the conversation had gone on. "_I see_."

"So we came here," said Applebloom, "since we know you have _loads_ of bor- of _old _books."

"_I_ _see_." A petty thought came to Twilight, which she nobly resisted for all of two seconds. "Oh, don't worry girls, I have the_ perfect_ book."

With a soft glow from her horn, she plucked a book off the shelves and floated it towards the fillies: a thin, worn volume marked with the red legend "The Tale of Sweeneigh Todd".

"Oh phew, it's _short_," said Sweetie Bell. "Um- I mean-"

"Don't worry about it," said Twilight Sparkle, while thinking _ahahahahaha_ quite loudly.

"Uh, Twi, you're doing that… _thing_ with your teeth again."

* * *

><p>She'd done a hard shift at work keeping all the clouds away, and now Rainbow Dash could have a nice, lazy float around the sky. At least, until anyone looked up and saw her. Then she'd have to zoom about and do some cool stunt – there was an image to maintain.<p>

Sadly, all good things had to end: Pinkie had asked her to help with something, and she had to help a friend. (Especially a friend who lived in a house _full of cake_. Priorities and all) Dash came in for a landing, saw Scootaloo was nearby, abruptly accelerated, and backflipped her way down to Sugarcube Corner, landing with a dynamic thud.

"And kids, if you're not as cool as me, _don't _try that at home unless you live in a hospital!" _Ow ow OW I think I sprained something_

The walking explosion known as Pinkie Pie hopped with delight at the sight of her friend, making that little _boing!_ noise that defied all laws of physics.

"You're here! You're here! Yay! Oh, I've been so excited about what we're going to do together that I haven't stopped grinning all day!"

"How could anyone tell the difference?" joked Dash.

"Hmmm… I think because I never went-" Pinkie suddenly glared, like someone had taken the last biscuit without asking. "Or-" She stuck her hooves in her mouth and dragged her lips down in a glum u-shape. "Or-"

"Yeah, I get the picture." She went into Sugarcube Corner, shut the door, and – with none of her fans watching (we don't count) – allowed herself to start limping a bit. "Never doing that stunt again. So, what are we doing?"

"Making CUPCAKES!" _boing! boing! boing!_

Dash frowned. "Baking? Me? Uh, do you remember what happened the last time? Because I know for a fact the Fire Brigade do."

"I know," said Pinkie beaming. "But don't you worry, I got a plan…"

* * *

><p>"<em>Fillies and gentlefoals, I fear that what I am going to say will spoil your appetites; but the truth is beautiful at all times, and I have to state that the pies are made of <span>pony flesh!<span>"_

The Crusaders screamed like a turkey that had just found out where all its friends went on Christmas.

"I can't read anymore!" screamed Sweetie Bell.

"But if we don't," said Applebloom, "we dunno if Sweeneigh gets stopped and that means…"

Both fillies looked at Scootaloo with pleading eyes. She groaned and gingerly turned to the back pages. She gave a quick skim and breathed a sigh of relief.

"They caught him. I don't think there's a sequel, so he should still be in jail." She gave the universal 'phew' gesture with her left leg. "But just think of it! According to that book, there are murderers hiding out _anywhere and everywhere_ and they get you to eat the evidence!"

"I don't think I've heard of anyone being murdered around Ponyville," said Applebloom.

"They're _that_ good at hiding," said a grim Scootaloo. "And you know what that means…"

* * *

><p>All the way in her library, Twilight Sparkle could hear the faint roar of <strong>"cutie mark crusader anti-murderer vigilantes!"<strong>.

"Ooops."

* * *

><p>Snip-Clop the barber was in the middle of a job – Derpy's hair was starting to cover her top-most pupil – when he saw those three young girls, Appleseed, Skeeter, and The Other One, all standing outside giving him a suspicious glare. For some reason, they'd drawn little black 'masks' on their faces.<p>

"We're _watching _you," said The Other One.

* * *

><p>Later on, it was still a beautiful summer's day in Ponyville. And that was a problem, because the forecast had called for mild rain over the farms. Rainbow Dash was a complete no-show. Another pegasus was needed but since it was Dash's shift, none of them could do it for another five hours:<p>

"Union rules," explained one of them. "If we take her shift, someone might take ours. It's a slippery slope."

"Can't you contact your shop steward about this?" asked Twilight.

"Well, we normally would, but since the steward's Rainbow Dash we're back to square one."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders – who had now found matching black capes – listened in on the conversation with suspicious ears, suspicious eyes, and probably suspicious tongues if they could manage it. The whole thing tasted suspicious (there we go).

"Someone got to Rainbow Dash?" whispered Scootaloo, experiencing an unfathomable horror.

"We have to think about this," said Applebloom, sticking her chin on her left hoof to seem contemplative. (She stopped when this threw her balance off) "We last saw her at Pinkie Pie's. So where would she have gone-"

"**CUPCAKES!"**

The trio scattered as Pinkie landed among them like the wrath of a seriously bipolar god. She was bouncing around carrying a tray of cupcakes, cupcakes with a suspicious rainbow frosting on them.

"Hi girls! You're just in time to try my first batch of Rainbow Cupcakes! Rainbopcakes! Cupbows!" Pinkie stopped _poing!_ing and thought about it. "I might need a second opinion on this." She took a cupcake off her back with her teeth and turned to Scootaloo, her mad eyes wide. "Wtt d'oo fnk!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Pinkie Pie watched them run away and agreed: cupbows was a rubbish name. She swallowed the object and began to hop over to other ponies:

"Rainbopcakes! So sweet and hopping! Rainbopcakes! Twenty percent frosting! Rainbopcakes!"

* * *

><p>The Crusaders regrouped, getting over their absolute terror by the even <em>greater <em>fear of looking like a wuss in front of their mates. By the time they got back, it was too late: the citizens of Ponyville were chowing down, and rainbow-coloured crumbs were everywhere.

"wuuuuuhhhhhh…" moaned Scootaloo, her face a picture of misery, like a bald man who realises the comb-over fools no one.

"The evidence is all gone! What do we do?" Sweetie Bell began to shake Applebloom. "Oh Celestia, _what do we do?_"

In the end, what they did was follow Pinkie Pie around, hoping to catch sight of dastardly deeds. From their hidden positions across the street (Pinkie waved to them – "she's bluffing, stay calm") they kept a beady eye on Sugarcube Corner. But with Pinkie Pie refusing to commit bloody murder in front of them, and with Scootaloo dry-heaving and crying every time she saw someone buy a rainbopcake, it became clear they weren't going to find much out.

"Maybe we're a deterrent?" offered Sweetie Bell.

"I've got a plan," said Applebloom. "We wait until it's dark, and then-"

"Hi guyth," said Twist, trotting past.

"Sshhh! We're on a top secret mission. You didn't see us!"

"Okay," said Twist, who had long ago given up on expecting sense from the Crusaders. "I'm going to help Pinkie Pie make cupcaketh! She'th thinking of getting an apprentithe!"

"Oh cool," said Applebloom.

Five seconds later, the conversation registered with the Crusader's brains but by then, Twist was already in the store and being greeted by Pinkie. ("Yay! Oh, I've been so excited about what we're going to do together, I haven't stopped grinning all day! Whoa, that sounds familiar.")

"Pinkie's going to turn Twist into cupcakes! Or corrupt her into cupcaking other people! It could go either way! AAAAAA, what do we do?" panicked Applebloom, seriously disturbing the pedestrians.

"NO!" snarled Scootaloo. "Nopony else dies! _We attack!_"

"…but then won't we get ki-" started Sweetie Bell, before Scootaloo yelled "_you'll never get a cutie mark with that attitude!_".

With that battle cry, they all charged into Sugarcube Corner.

* * *

><p>"Oh no," groaned Rainbow Dash. "Rainbopcakes?"<p>

"It was almost cupbows," said Twilight.

"Eh, close miss then. Let's get some, I've been waiting for this for hours…"

The two friends entered Sugarcube, finding a chaotic, sticky, potential delicious mess of confectionary everywhere. In the middle of it was a becaked Pinkie, who immediately pelted the incomers with custard pies.

"Aaaaaa it's the ghost of Rainbow Dash!" screamed Scootaloo.

"We're having a food fight!" said Pinkie. "Wheeeeee!"

"No, we're trying to stop you killing Twist like you killed…" Scootaloo paused. "Wait. Do ghosts come through doors?"

"Well it'd be silly to come through the window," said Pinkie Pie.

Dash preened. "I knew everyone would miss me but _awww yeah_. The truth is, I, aheh…" She looked down, not preening at all. "I kinda had to go to the doctor and get my legs checked out for… um… that whole stunt thing."

"But if you're _not_ dead and baked into cupcakes, why are they rainbopcakes?" said Applebloom.

"Rainbow Dash helped me make them," said Pinkie Pie. "She's not good at baking so I thought – hey! I should show her _how_ to be good! That's what friends do! They don't turn their friends into cupcakes, that'd be silly: we'd have no friends left. Or we'd not be able to eat cupcakes." Her eye twitched. _"No one should have to make that decision!"_

The Crusaders wilted under a collective shame.

"We're sorry, Pinkie Pie," said Scootaloo. "We should've known not to mistrust a friend so badly!"

"And we shouldn't judge anyone without all the facts," added a sorrowful Applebloom.

Twilight smiled. "I think you've all learned a valuable lesson. In fact, I think you should write to Princess Celestia and hey-"

"Wait a minute," said Sweetie Bell, puncturing the ending with her sharp tone, "we thought that because of that scary book you gave us. Why _did_ you give us that?"

Twilight looked down. "And I learnt I shouldn't play mean tricks on people, blah blah," she grumbled. "Fine, I'll write the letter too…"

As the narrative glasnost was reached, Twist moved over to Pinkie Pie and whispered: "Um, Pinkie? I'm confused. What'th happened?"

"I dunno but if you just smile and look back and then say 'okie dokie lokie', they think you've been listening," Pinkie whispered back. "I use this trick _all the time._"

**THE END**

AUTHOR'S NOTES: MLP and all characters and concepts are © and TM of Hasbro. Except for the really, really horrible puns like Sweeneigh and Snip-Clop, I'm afraid Hasbro shares no blame for them. The original "Cupcakes" concept and its vast, horrifying sub-universe was originally spawned by Sergeant Sprinkles.

Twist should be in more episodes, darn it.


End file.
